When you grow up, you always see yourself one day as a parent. Many of us played the childhood games with our dolls where we role played being a parent. For some this is an easy and natural progression. But for others it is a lot harder. Here I open up and talk about My Fertility Problems.
Today I am sharing with you my story and struggles to become a Mum.
I was happy being child free
In 1999 I met my husband, we had both been in previous marriages. Mine was childless, where as he had two boys. This was a huge leap for me, as I had been happy (or so I thought) being child free. He knew this and one of our earliest conversations he said, his kids mean the world to him and they will always come first, and if I was not prepared for this I should say so now. This in fact had the opposite effect on me, and made me love him more.
Meeting the boys
My husband decided I should meet the boys separately, and arranged for me to meet the eldest, who was 4 at the time first. We hit it off straight away. I then met the younger one who was 1 and again we hit it off. We then moved in together and I took on the role of StepMum, where I cared for the boys and loved them as my own.
My Fertility Problems
My Journey begins
In January 2000, had a miscarriage. We had not been trying for a baby or even really spoke about having a child of our own. It was a complete shock. I took the rest of that week off work and it gave us lots of time to think about having a child of our own. I realised this is something that I did want.
We carried on with life, during this time I would fall pregnant and then lose the baby, and each time it took a little bit more of me with each loss. I was heartbroken.
Referred to a Specialist
In 2001 my Dr referred us to a Specialist who did not have the best bedside manner and had me in tears more than once. My husband was tested and he was fine, which sunk me into even deeper depression as it was all down to me. I was put on Clomid, and I fell pregnant with twins (Clomid is known for this).
This resulted in one of he worst times of my life. I had pains and was not feeling right and knew something was wrong. My Dr was amazing and eventually said it could be an ectopic pregnancy and arranged for us to see our consultant. I remember all the way there telling my husband they were not removing the baby, there must be some other way. A nurse met us on arrival and I was told to do a pregnancy test. After the test my Consultant came up to me in a waiting room full of people and said it is nothing go home, the nurse came over and said the test is positive and he said she will probably loose it anyway. I just walked out in a state of shock with my husband fuming but more concerned about me.
Losing my twins
I did unfortunately lose my baby, but the bleeding never stopped. I was up and down the hospital all the time. It was confirmed that I had lost one baby and looked like I was losing its twin. From the day I lost the first baby I was bleeding constantly for 7 weeks. I was so ill and no one would do anything apart from let me carry on and keep losing it. Each appointment I had to sit in a room of heavily pregnant Mums while I was losing mine. I was broken-hearted. Eventually I lost the second baby and slowly got stronger.
We moved house and started to plan our wedding, giving us both something positive to focus on. After our wedding I suffered more miscarriages, where my Dr said finally enough is enough and referred us to a new Consultant. By this stage all I did was eat, sleep and breathe wanting to be a Mum. Friends used to say you have two boys, surely that is enough. They were right I did have the boys, and loved them as my own. But I wanted that bond, I wanted that look I saw in my husbands eyes every time he spoke about the boys or saw them. Something that only comes from being a parent.
I wanted to feel my baby grow inside me, to get a kick, I wanted to give birth and hold my newborn baby in my arms, and feel that unconditional love that sweeps over you.
By the time we met our new Consultant I was both a physical and mental wreck. In January 2003 after another miscarriage. I was told to give my body a rest, to stop trying. I had an appointment with the Consultant for March and we both adhered to this advice. For the first time in a long time, we forgot about having a baby and started to enjoy life again.
Was I pregnant again
In March I was chatting with the girls at work, and someone said are you sure you are not pregnant. I just laughed and said no. One had a spare pregnancy test at home and said she would bring it in that afternoon. I rang my husband to tell him about the conversation, and he told me to let him know. Eventually I did the test, and the brightest blue line you have ever seen appeared. All my other pregnancies the line had been faint.
This was a Thursday, and I managed to get an appointment with my Dr that evening, who in turn managed to get me an appointment with our Consultant on the Monday.
He was amazing, and a George Clooney lookalike. he got me through every step of my pregnancy and was there during labour.
Eventually, after a very hard pregnancy of morning sickness, and gestational diabetes. I gave birth to my gorgeous baby girl. And I felt that rush of unconditional love and I just could not take my eyes of her for a second.
Supplements Can help
I wanted to share my story with you, to show that having fertility problems can be to do with wanting a baby too much. That it is not always down to being a fertility problem and mindset can be a major factor in it.
I did also keep taking supplements to help my body when trying for a baby and through pregnancy.