Coping With The Grief Of Losing Your Partner

This is a post I never thought I would have to post. But thought as April is Stress Awareness Month. I thought I would write this post now. As I wrote a post for Babyloss Awareness Month, which I wrote with raw emotions and share each year. I am hoping that writing my post on Coping With The Grief Of Losing Your Partner. Will let me get some of the emotions out.

The Day My World Fell Apart

On the 2nd February this year, my world crumbled around me. Above is the Facebook status I shared when I was told my husband had officially died and we were waiting on his body being taken away from us.

That weekend had just been normal, we often enjoyed a night or two away. On the Friday we went away for a night and had a lovely time, apart from the hotel which is a totally different story. We came home on the Saturday and had a lovely relaxing day and evening.

Sunday started like any other, my husband decided he wanted to sort stuff out. This is something he often did and my bed was covered in all sorts. In the afternoon we popped to Sainsburys to get some cold drinks in and have a coffee. As he rarely went shopping, my bill was always sky high if he came with me. I kept losing him, I had to phone him twice to find out where he was.

We came home and later we were in our bedroom, he was about to put stuff back that was on our bed and I was thinking of having a shower. He turned and said to me –

This has been a great weekend, I feel so happy right now. To which I replied it has and I feel happy too. He then said he was just going to the little bedroom to look for something and I said Ok.

Then everything changed

A few minutes later, I went in to talk to C and she asked why the little bedroom light was on. I sad Dad is in there. She said she hadn’t seen him so I shouted and no reply. So I looked downstairs he wasn’t there. I looked outside to see if he was in the car and no. So I ran back upstairs and found him collapsed. He had a smile on his face. I shook him nothing, I even slapped him round the face and nothing. Without thinking I ran down to get my Mum and my parents took over calling 999 and doing cpr. I took C downstairs away from it all.

It felt like hours , but the ambulance were here in about 5 minutes, Apparently we had one ambulance and 3 cars here. There was just a stream of people. One came down and kept us informed, I just told her to tell him to stop being stubborn and breath.

They worked on him for over 2 hours, until they finally came down and told us he had gone. I literally couldn’t breath but just held on to C so tightly.

What do I do now

As we sat waiting for the police to come out. I said what do I do now, As I sat there and couldn’t speak and posted the above Facebook status. I just needed everyone to know my world had shattered.

It was a close friends birthday that day, and they were away for the weekend. My Mum rang my mother in law and told her, she also told both of the boys. I couldn’t speak. My friend kept messaging me asking what had happened. I just told her I will tell her tomorrow. Her partner was my husbands best friend. She rang me in the end and I couldn’t even say hello. My mum took my phone and told them.

Saying Our Goodbye

C and I had some time with him before he left home. We said goodbye silently just taking in and not understanding what had gone on.

The following day, the Coroners office rang me to say they would be doing the post mortem the following day. I went into a panic, when he explained that if they could see what was wrong he would be able to be released that day and we could register the death. If they were inconclusive they would need to do further testing which could take weeks. I went into a panic as my husband hated hospitals and being messed about with.

They rang me on the Tuesday, less than 2 days later. His best friend was with us and I put the phone on speaker so everyone could hear. He had a heart disease, we had no idea. But I do know that men over 50 should be tested and every man I have spoken to have not been called for testing.

Our final goodbyes

I feel cheated that he was taken so suddenly. We had so much more to say to each other. So much more to do and see together. When we went to arrange the funeral, we chose a lovely family undertakers and they were so helpful.

They listened to what we wanted, C was very adamant on what she wanted. I went with C to say our goodbye privately. He was dressed in one of his suits and had one of C’s blankets covering him. Before we went I got blank cards for us both to write our own personal goodbyes. I did not know what to write and then just filled it so easily. I also put the above photo in and wrote on the back our eternal kiss until we meet again. C put a batman plush in. That was his joke with the kids as he was always saying he was Batman. It was hard and a shock as for the first time ever, I realised he really was dead and never coming home.

The Friday before the funeral, I went again with one of the boys. I was not sure if I could see him again, but went in to support him. He still looked so peaceful and still had that smile on his face.

Two Months On

I cried on 2nd April, as it was now months in plural and not just weeks. That hit hard, I am not coping and cry so many tears daily. I am lucky to have people around me, but the lonliness and feeling so alone is so strong. I know we were lucky to have had a love as strong as ours, that many never experience that at all in a lifetime. But it causes you to grieve just as hard.

For now, it is just taking it hour by hour and day by day. I am trying to keep everything as a ‘new normal’. I can not concentrate, and often just walk around the house from one room to the next. I stop mid sentence when talking. I stop myself when shopping to get the things in I used to get for him. So many things and too many to mention. I close my eyes and see him lying where I found him. I wake up and that split second I am ok until it hits me all over again.

Below I am sharing some ideas, that I have tried and may help others going through the same

Give Yourself Permission to Grieve

• There iss no “right” way to grieve. Whether you’re crying every day, feeling numb, angry, or even having moments of laughter—it is all valid.
• Let your emotions come. Suppressing them can make the pain harder to process later.

Lean on People Who Care

• Talk to someone—do not keep it all in. Talk to someone about your loss, your feelings an emotions

Keep Him With You in Small Ways

• Carry or wear something that reminds you of him—C wears his t shirts, jumpers and jackets. I wear his wedding ring

Take Care of Yourself

• Eat, rest, and hydrate even when it’s hard. Grief is overwhelming and you have to do all these whether you want to or not

Have you found anything to help you through your grieving?

If you have got this far thank you for reading, this is my theraputic way of trying to work with my grief.