Babyloss Awareness Week - StressedMum
This is my story for Babyloss Awareness Week on my struggle to become a Mum. Hopefully it will explain just why my Daughter is so special and precious to me. I have never really spoken fully about everything before. I wrote this post in 2015, everything came flooding out. The post has not been tweaked or polished, it is just the raw emotions of my babyloss journey.
For anyone who has lost a baby, it never leaves you, to this day I still think about them. With 1 in 4 people in the UK experiencing pregnancy or baby loss, we need to get the nation breaking the stigma around baby loss this Baby Loss Awareness Week (9-15th October). The key findings they found was –
Key findings:
In 1999, I met my now husband, he had 2 boys, I had none. I took on the role of StepMum and cared for them and loved them as my own. I was 32 and I had never really thought about having children of my own.
Table of Contents
ToggleIn January 2000, I had a miscarriage, I went to the Dr who confirmed it was and told me to rest up. I rang my Boss at work who told me it was just a heavy period and was quite nasty. I had not been trying and this was a total shock. So to find out in the same sentence that you are/were pregnant and now losing it was a bit of a shock. I took the rest of the week of work, but this now got me wanting a baby. So we agreed to try and see what happens.
We got on with life and I would fall pregnant and lose the baby, each time it taking a bit more of me with it. In 2001 my Dr passed us to a Specialist. This man was very stern with no bedside manner whatsoever. My husband was tested and he was fine, which sunk me even deeper into depression and upset. They put me on Clomid, and I fell pregnant with twins, which we did not know at the time. This turned out to be one of the worst periods of my life.
I had pains and not feeling right so went to my Dr, bless him he had me in his room for ages. Eventually saying it could be an ectopic pregnancy and he arranged for me to see my consultant. I was going out of my mind all the way there. Telling my husband they are not removing my baby and I am not staying in hospital. We get there and the nurse met us and was lovely. I was given a pregnancy test to do, now had I been in the right state of mind I would have reacted very differently.
My Consultant came up to me in the waiting room. In front of everyone it is nothing go home as if we had wasted his time. Just as we were about to walk up the Nurse came up to him and said she is pregnant. His words were ‘She will probably lose it anyway’. I just walked out numb. In my mind I was pregnant and even my Consultant said I am going to lose it.
I did unfortunately, lose my baby and was up and down to see my Dr and Hospital appointments all the time. I had been pregnant with twins. From the day I lost the first I started bleeding for 7 weeks constantly as I was losing the twin. I have never been so ill in my life. Weekly I would have to go the the pregnancy unit at the hospital to have bloods and scans. All the time sitting in a waiting room full of happy pregnant women.
This is the time I started sinking lower, all I wanted was to be a Mum. Even though I was losing my baby they offered me no help. I could not walk more than 100 yards without having to stop. Eventually I lost the twin, and I started to build my life back up.
We moved house and, we started to plan our wedding. Something positive and happy to focus on, and in September 2002, we married. It was lovely to have something happy going on in our lives. I had more miscarriages (I am not going to write about them all), my Dr eventually said enough is enough, he is going to refer me to a Consultant. By this time all I did was eat, sleep and breathe wanting to be pregnant, to be a Mum.
People would say you have the Boys, and yes I did on Weekends and Holidays, and I loved them with all my heart, but they were not mine, they had a Mum and they had their Dad. I saw the looks in my husbands eyes when he saw or spoke about them, and the untold love and the bond they had. That is what I wanted, I wanted to feel my baby move inside me, I wanted to give birth and hold my newborn. I was both a physical and mental wreck.
In January 2003, I had another miscarriage and my Dr told me to give my body a chance to rest, and to wait to see what the Consultant said to me when my appointment came through. In February with my appointment for the end of March. I had listened to my Dr and for the first time in a long time, I stopped wanting to be pregnant and just agreed to wait. I was a different person.
In March 2003, I was chatting at work and they said maybe you are pregnant, I told them not to be silly, but they insisted I do a test, and one girl went home and got a spare pregnancy test, I rang my husband and he said go and do it, so I did and I had the biggest, brightest in your face blue line you have ever seen. Yep I was pregnant. This was a Thursday, I managed to get an appointment with my Dr that evening and he arranged to get me seen by my Consultant on the Monday.
I walked in to find George Clooney’s twin sitting there, he was lovely he said I had been through enough and if this pregnancy did not make it then he was going to do even more investigation and was positive we could get there, but we would take it week for week and I could call him anytime. He got me through the first few weeks and beyond, told me if we get to 12 weeks that is amazing, if we get to 15 we are going all the way. I had a rough pregnancy 24/7 sickness, getting Gestational Diabetes (got to have a scan 2 weekly with this). And having to inject myself 3 times a day with insulin.
I remember sitting in work one afternoon in floods of tears on the phone to my Mum saying I can’t stop crying, this is what I wanted, I should be happy. I did love my bump growing, feeling her move, she would always come to light when she heard her Dad’s voice, but one night she didn’t move, my husband was away and I told him the next day, he came home and I was scared I refused to believe anything was wrong.
The next day I went to work and finally let it out, they sent me straight to hospital, we waited what felt like ages, and just as they called my name she kicked, little monkey. It was all worth it though. My due date was 8th November, but because of the Diabetes they wanted to induce me, so 5th November we went into hospital and at one stage had my George Clooney twin by my side as stand in Dad, while my husband had popped home.
I had a very long labour and after the calm of just me and my husband and the midwife on hand. It was all action stations they decided on an emergency c-section, so my husband was rushed off to get gowned up, and I was left alone while the theatre was prepared, during this time I got myself in a position and could not move, the midwife examined me and said she could see the head, so they decided to try for delivery there.
I have never seen so many people in one room, I was beyond caring at the time. Holding my husbands hand on one side and the chief midwives hand on the other my baby was born. On the 7th November, I finally became a Mummy, that second my life changed forever. I held my newborn baby in my arms and just gazed at her. After all the heartache it was over I felt complete. I did want another baby but at this stage I was 38. My husband said he couldn’t put me through it all again. I yearned for another and we agreed that if it happened then that is fine, we took precautions and when my daughter was 4 I suffered my last miscarriage.
That made number 9, this time it hit me differently. I still had all the emotions and it did get to me, but it made me realise that I am still a Mum. Unfortunately that is something some women never get the chance to be. My Mum was my rock through all of it. She suffered 5 miscarriages, so knew exactly what I was going through. Sitting with me for many an hour with me sobbing my heart out.
My husband is well known for being the practical one was also my rock. He was suffering too, and I was not me through those times I was just on a mission. I wanted to be a Mum. I do strongly believe because my head was in a different place. That I knew I was not to try to get pregnant for at least 3 months. Believe it or not, when I did give myself that break and did not think about it, I fell pregnant. My husband and my Dad both think it was because I could not carry boys.
I then worried about what the boys would think. Would they resent their little Sister? Would they think she would replace them from their Dad? You know the things that go through your head with all those hormones raging. I did not need to worry, they adored their little Sister. They still do and are protective over her.
My daughter is going to be 12 next month. I have honestly enjoyed every second of being her Mum. Even now with her Kevin the teenager impressions. This is why I am that bit more protective of her, why she is that extra bit special.
I was on twitter one night, and got talking to a lovely lady called Pippa. Her story has really struck a cord with me. She is going through that ache I felt all those days, weeks, months and years. She has been through so much and it breaks my heart to that she has suffered so much as well.
Also Jo at Momma Boss has recently been through a very hard time with the loss of her baby.
As you will see everyone has different experiences, losses at different times. We are all different. I hope this post as helped at least one person realise they are not alone, and that there can be a very happy ending.
You can read the second part of my story hereAMP.
I exactly dont know what to write. You had been through too much. You deserved to be happy and finally you have a daughter. Baby Loss Awareness must be painful for mothers. Because every mom is wonderful
It is a heartbreaking situation to be in, which is why I share my story so others know they are not alone
You really did endure so much! Thank you for documenting it – I think this is something that women need so much more support with. I am so glad you have your daughter.
Thank you, it is something that does need talking about and more support as it is a traumatic time and the time you are most vulnerable
I am so sorry you had to live through some many miscarriages. I know a few women who have gone through it and it is truly devastating.
It is a difficult time and so hard to go experience, which is why I share my story to know if you are going through it you are not alone
Sharing something so personal and emotional is a big thing. Sorry that you had to go through this pain. You are really so strong woman.
Thank you, sharing this as raw as the post is, hopefully helps others
Oh My, what a lot you have been through. I’m glad there was some happiness in there. One thing struck a chord with me, some doctors are really insensitive. When I lost a baby at nearly 11 weeks, the GP turned around and said maybe I’d been mistaken about being pregnant! I was also told at 38 that I shouldn’t be thinking about having children but I only ever had one miscarriage, I went on to have babies at 39 (almost 40) 41 and then a surprise baby at 44 years old. My youngest baby is now 13 yrs.
Dr’s are so insensitive, I remember seeing my gp who said you have had a natural abortion. I went mental at her literally. She apologised and said that is the medical term for a miscarriage. I told her firmly abortion is planned and the mothers wish for whatever reason, a miscarriage is not your decision. She aplogised again and changed my notes. I am so glad you went on to have 3 babies.
I knew I’d already posted on this. I’m so happy you got to be a mother, a lot would have given up. I didn’t mention in my first post that I’d already had children with my first husband who where teenagers when my daughter was born. It’s always a worry about the older kids would react. Things have been tricky at times but I feel blessed.
I have shared this post for years now, just sharing my story for others going through this. C really is my world
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and heartfelt post. It takes incredible courage to open up about your babyloss journey, and your words are a powerful reminder of the lasting impact it can have. Your Daughter is indeed special and precious, and your story sheds light on the strength and resilience within all parents who have experienced such a loss. Let’s join together during Baby Loss Awareness Week to break the stigma and provide support for those who have endured similar challenges.
Thank you, it was a very hard journey both emotionally and physically. I am so very lucky to have my daughter who at nearly 20 years old amazes me every day. I hope by sharing this post it does help those who are sadly going through the same
No one knows the struggles that people go through. How brave of you to share your experiences. It’s been a long and difficult journey for you and I’m sorry for the pain you’ve had to carry through the years. The Lord blessed you though with a beautiful baby, two great step children it sounds, and a loving husband…you’ve gained a beautiful family through the heartbreak. God bless!
I do feel lucky to have my family, and loving my grandchildren now as well
You are so brave to share your emotional stories with us! Thanks for sharing and giving us awareness about miscarriage. I feel angry with your old boss!
It is quite often a taboo subject as people do not know what to do or say.
There are some horrific moments here in how you were treated. Thank you for sharing your emotional story.
Thank you, at the time I just took it, where as now I would have addressed it
I’m sorry for your loss. I can relate to your story and it’s a pain you never forget. Time is a healer.
I am so sorry you have been through the same, it is a pain you never forget and stays with you, but it does get easier
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I know quite a few women that have miscarried and it can understanably have a big impact. Some have been lucky like yourself to go on and have children after. It can affect the way they feel about themselves and unfortunately, not all people are as supportive as one might hope.
It was a very hard time, and it did affect me more than I realised. I was lucky but know how hard it is when going through a loss and how lonely it feels
I am so touched by your story and, although I have not experienced a loss such as yours, I am feeling your pain. Sharing your thoughts and experience will help others and also help us in supporting loved ones who go through this. Bless you!
Thank you, it is a heartbreaking thing to go through and you often feel alone which is why I share my story
Thank you for sharing your story. I commend you for sharing such an emotional piece and making us aware of your struggle.
Thank you, I wrote this 7 years ago now, never amended it and share each year so others know they are not alone
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your journey. It can feel very shocking to learn about your pregnancy and at the same time learn you’ve lost it. I am so glad your journey had a positive end.
Thank you, and I am thankful for my happy ending with my gorgeous daughter
It is so brave for you to share your story. It would have been difficult for me too. I’m sure a lot of mothers can relate to miscarriage but with your experience, I feel like it’s a lot. I’m not sure how I could go through it if it was me but you were so strong. Indeed, your daughter is so special and I hope she grows extraordinarily.
What makes you carry on is the yearning to be a mum, you just keep going it was only when my dr told me enough was enough and stop to give my body a break
Sending positive energy!!! Its something that you never get over and that’s fine. I hope you’re doing well and are healthy. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you I just wanted to share so others do not feel so alone as it is such a lonely time
I’m sorry that you had that loss and hope that you had supportive people about caring for you.
It was emotional but my husband and family were great
I had no idea about how much you have been through. It just goes to show how many people suffer in silence until one day they share their story. Thank you for sharing your story with us today.
Thank you, I just want to let anyone going through a loss to know they are not alone x
This is a story I can relate to. I didn’t know there was a week dedicated to it but it’s good to know there is a support network. I am sorry for your loss x
Sorry you can relate to this, it is nice that there is an awareness week for babyloss
Thank you so much for sharing your story; it’s really brave of you. I am the same age now as you were when you met your husband, and I can’t even begin to imagine how tough it must have been going through all those miscarriages esp with some doctors not having good bedside manner x
I was a complete mess and not myself, or that dr would have got a mouthful from me. Treating someone like that when they are going through so much is not on. Luckily my new consultant was amazing
It sounds like such an emotional roller coaster. I’m so sorry to hear that you had such a hard time on your journey but I’m so pleased that C came along. It’s shocking how many women do have miscarriages yet some people are not as supportive of them as you might hope.
It was a huge rolllercoaster and messed me up both mentally and physically. I still can’t believe C is coming up 19, she is my world
This is an interesting read. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others know that they are not alone in this struggle.
Thank you, it is such an emotional time that you go through so much and so many emotions
Sending virtual hugs to you. Brave lady for sharing this post and I can tell you this will help so many other people. xxx
Thank you, I just wanted to let others know that there are others who really do understandd
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s heartbreaking that so many go through all of this and often in silence. So annoyed at the way you were treated along the way too by your boss and consultant etc. Such a hard time. Sending lots of love and I’m so glad you have your miracle daughter now xxx
Thank you, it is something that is not talked about, and often after the initial I am sorry is never talked about again. But it does hurt and you do grieve. C is coming up 19 now and is my world
Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t imagine the heartache you went through, and know exactly the true joy you describe at becoming a mother. I hope your story helps other women to know they aren’t alone.
Thank you, I was a mess at the time but I needed to share my story for anyone who is going through the same thing.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know someone who had three miscarriages. She finally gave birth, but those three miscarriages took a major toll on her.
It does take its toll on you, am so glad to read she finally had her baby and became a Mum
You sharing your story can be so encouraging and comforting for others. You being vulnerable can aid others along their healing journey.
Thank you, I hope my story does help someone
There is still so much stigma around miscarriages and I am thankful you have shared your story, I cant even imagine how anyone gets through one miscarriage never mind 9 x
There is a lot of stigma and there shouldn’t be any, it is something you never forget but it gets easier
You’re so brave for sharing your story – it must’ve been a lot to go through – I’m so happy for you that you’re a Mum now
I was a mess both mentally and physically, but wanted to share my sory as one thing I remember is feeling alone and why me. It also may show why I am so protective of C
What a journey. Even though I read upon this recently in your earlier post, I wanted to read it again for this post with all the extra details. You are inspiring to so many, I have never had a miscarriage but still you encourage me to face every problem head on with a glimpse of hope. It is amazing how with the right people next to us, we find the strength to do anything.
I still can’t believe you had 9 miscarriages. But look how complete your family is now and you’re back this weekend with two little ones. I hope the grandkids are keeping you active and bringing out the child inside of you again. Looking forward to reading your next weekly post
A miscarriage is heartbreaking, the worst was when I lost twins, I was so ill. Sharing my story helps others going through it, to know they are not alone and that they can go on to have a baby.
Having my granddaughter tomorrrow until Friday, not the youngest one so can give the elder one some one on one time
Oh wow, thank you so much for sharing – this is a really personal story to share.
Thank you, I wrote it years ago and share every year in the hope that it helps at least one person know they are not alone x
I am so sorry you faced awful attitudes like that. My mam had multiple miscarriages but it was almost a cause of shame to her strongly religious family.
It is one of the hardest things to go through physically and emotionally and getting negative attitudes makes you feel so much worse. I hope this post helps others know they are not alone x
Sending love. I had 1 missed miscarriage before I had my son & it took 11 weeks for the bleeding to stop after they gave me pills to bring it on. I was in and out of hospital, and almost at the point of needing a blood transfusion I lost so much. I’m so happy you got your rainbow baby. #blogtober
I am so sorry you went through that, I lost with twins and have never felt so ill in my life x
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it will help so many people who are going through this awful loss.
Thank you I share as it is such a lonely time and just to know you are not alone can make such a difference
My sister suffered quite a few miscarriages and I feel your pain. Thank you for sharing your experiences, I am sure your positive and happy ending will help many other parents, sending love xx
I am sorry your sister has been through this as well, I wrote my story years ago now and have never gone back and polished it up and left it raw. I hope that by sharing others no they are not alone and that there can be happy endings x
Such a long ride!!! Some people like you make it through the tough and become more strong. Guess everybody has to face some challenge or the other. Life cannot just go without joy and tears. Cheers to motherhood and love!!
I think going through journies like this does make us stronger x
This has left a gulp in my throat for sure. Brave of you to share your personal story that many women go through – good on you. Sending hugs xxx
Thank you I wanted to share because others do go through it and to let them know they are not alone x
What a long journey you have had with so much sadness. I lost only one baby at 12 weeks and that was difficult enough. x
Any loss is hard, it did get harder both physically and mentally and it tooks it toll on me, but we did get our happy ever after x
Sending big hugs. Thank you for sharing your story.
Some doctors can be so heartless. For them it’s a day to day job but for us losing babies it is massive! George Clooney’s twin did sound amazing though. I am so pleased you got your happy ending. x
That Dr was heartless and I was too ill at the time to pick up on it, George Clooneys twin was amazing and had the right approach x
That is a lot of heartache you went through.
And very good of you to share this.
I bet there are a lott of women out there that are experiencing this also one way or another.
But it is something that is not talked about regularly. I bet this helps a lott
Thank you that is why I want to share my story to let women going through the same know they are not alone and it can result in a happy ending
Man, I have a friend who is still trying even after like 3 miscarriages. Knowing your story is great to know. I will tell them yours.
Thank you and I really hope you friends get the help and support needed to carry on and get their happy ending
You poor baby! OMG, I am so sorry you went through these horrors. I couldn’t finish the post as it truly disturbed me and I cannot imagine how you even felt! I want to slap your former boss and that cold consultant upside the head. Ugh!
I went through hell I was a mess but the story had a happy ending x
Thank you for sharing such a hard story with the world. I cant even fathom the heart break a couple endures from a miscarriage. But I am glad that it did not stop you ultimately from trying to create a beautiful family.
Suffering the losses made me more determind to carry on, I wanted my own baby I wanted that unconditional love and luckily we got it
You are so incredibly strong and courageous because I am not sure I could cope with 9 miscarriages. Did they ever determine what caused you to miscarry every time?
Thank you and I was a mess mentally and physically. I had an appointment for tests but got pregnant again and was under the consultant I would have seen x
Such a long journey! I’ve been through similar to get my children, luckily I have been blessed with 3 healthy children in the end.
It is a very hard journey so glad you got a happy ending x
really moved by your journey – you are an inspiration and caitlin is so lucky having a mum like you xxx
Thank you, I wrote that with very raw emotions and have never gone back to polish it up. It did help me writing it all down