This is my story on my struggle to become a Mum and maybe it will explain just why my Daughter is so special and precious to me. I have never really spoken fully about everything before.
In 1999, I met my now husband, he had 2 boys, I had none. I took on the role of StepMum and cared for them and loved them as my own. I was 32 and I had never really thought about having children of my own.
In January 2000, I had a miscarriage, I went to the Dr who confirmed it was and told me to rest up. I rang my Boss at work who told me it was just a heavy period and was quite nasty. I had not been trying and this was a total shock. So to find out in the same sentence that you are/were pregnant and now losing it was a bit of a shock. I took the rest of the week of work, but this now got me wanting a baby. So we agreed to try and see what happens.
We got on with life and I would fall pregnant and lose the baby, each time it taking a bit more of me with it. In 2001 my Dr passed us to a Specialist. This man was very stern with no bedside manner whatsoever. My husband was tested and he was fine, which sunk me even deeper into depression and upset. They put me on Clomid, and I fell pregnant with twins, which we did not know at the time. This turned out to be one of the worst periods of my life.
I had pains and not feeling right so went to my Dr, bless him he had me in his room for ages, eventually saying it could be an ectopic pregnancy and he arranged for me to see my consultant, I was going out of my mind all the way there, telling my husband they are not removing my baby and I am not staying in hospital. We get there and the nurse met us and was lovely, I was given a pregnancy test to do, now had I been in the right state of mind I would have reacted very differently. My Consultant came up to me in the waiting room said in front of everyone it is nothing go home as if we had wasted his time. Just as we were about to walk up the Nurse came up to him and said she is pregnant and his words were ‘She will probably lose it anyway’. I just walked out numb. In my mind I was pregnant and even my Consultant said I am going to lose it.
I did unfortunately, lose my baby and was up and down to see my Dr and Hospital appointments all the time, I had been pregnant with twins, and from the day I lost the first I started bleeding for 7 weeks constantly as I was losing the twin. I had never been so ill in my life. Weekly I would have to go the pregnancy unit at the hospital to have bloods and scans, while sitting in a waiting room full of happy pregnant women. This is the time I started sinking lower, all I wanted was to be a Mum, and even though I was losing my baby they offered me no help, I could not walk more than 100 yards without having to stop. Eventually I lost the twin, and I started to build my life back up.
We moved house and, we started to plan our wedding, something positive and happy to focus on, and in September 2002, we married. It was lovely to have something happy going on in our lives. I had more miscarriages (I am not going to write about them all), my Dr eventually said enough is enough, he is going to refer me to a Consultant. By this time all I did was eat, sleep and breathe wanting to be pregnant, to be a Mum. People would say you have the Boys, and yes I did on Weekends and Holidays, and I loved them with all my heart, but they were not mine, they had a Mum and they had their Dad. I saw the looks in my husbands eyes when he saw or spoke about them, I saw the untold love and the bond they had. I wanted that, I wanted to feel my baby move inside me, I wanted to give birth and hold my newborn. I was both a physical and mental wreck.
In January 2003, I had another miscarriage and my Dr told me to give my body a chance to rest, and to wait to see what the Consultant said to me when my appointment came through. In February with my appointment for the end of March. I had listened to my Dr and for the first time in a long time, I stopped wanting to be pregnant and just agreed to wait. I was a different person. In March 2003, I was chatting at work and they said maybe you are pregnant, I told them not to be silly, but they insisted I do a test, and one girl went home and got a spare pregnancy test, I rang my husband and he said go and do it, so I did and I had the biggest, brightest in your face blue line you have ever seen. Yep I was pregnant. This was a Thursday, I managed to get an appointment with my Dr that evening and he arranged to get me seen by my Consultant on the Monday.
I walked in to find George Clooney’s twin sitting there, he was lovely he said I had been through enough and if this pregnancy did not make it then he was going to do even more investigation and was positive we could get there, but we would take it week for week and I could call him anytime. He got me through the first few weeks and beyond, told me if we get to 12 weeks that is amazing, if we get to 15 we are going all the way. I had a rough pregnancy 24/7 sickness, getting Gestational Diabetes (got to have a scan 2 weekly with this) and having to inject myself 3 times a day with insulin. I remember sitting in work one afternoon in floods of tears on the phone to my Mum saying I can’t stop crying, this is what I wanted, I should be happy. I did love my bump growing, feeling her move, she would always come to light when she heard her Dad’s voice, but one night she didn’t move, my husband was away and I told him the next day, he came home and I was scared I refused to believe anything was wrong, next day I went to work and finally let it out, they sent me straight to hospital, we waited what felt like ages, and just as they called my name she kicked, little monkey. It was all worth it though. My due date was 8th November, but because of the Diabetes they wanted to induce me, so 5th November we went into hospital and at one stage had my George Clooney twin by my side as stand in Dad, while my husband had popped home. I had a very long labour and after the calm of just me and my husband and the midwife on hand, it was all action stations they decided on an emergency c-section, so my husband was rushed off to get gowned up, and I was left alone while the theatre was prepared, during this time I got myself in a position and could not move, the midwife examined me and said she could see the head, so they decided to try for delivery there, I have never seen so many people in one room, I was beyond caring at the time, and holding my husbands hand on one side and the chief midwives hand on the other my baby was born and on the 7th November, I finally became a Mummy, that second my life changed forever. I held my newborn baby in my arms and just gazed at her. After all the heartache it was over I felt complete. I did want another baby but at this stage I was 38 and my husband said he couldn’t put me through it all again, I yearned for another and we agreed that if it happened then that is fine, we took precautions and when my daughter was 4 I suffered my last miscarriage. That made number 9, this time it hit me differently, I still had all the emotions and it did get to me, but it made me realise that I am still a Mum and unfortunately that is something some women never get the chance to be. My Mum was my rock through all of it, she suffered 5 miscarriages, so knew exactly what I was going through, she sat there for many an hour with me sobbing my heart out. My husband is well known for being the practical one was also my rock, he was suffering too, and I was not me through those times I was just on a mission, I wanted to be a Mum. I do strongly believe because my head was in a different place and that I knew I was not to try to get pregnant for at least 3 months, and believe it or not, I did give myself that break and did not think about it, I fell pregnant. My husband and my Dad both think it was because I could not carry boys.
I then worried about what the boys would think, would they resent their little Sister, would they think she would replace them from their Dad, you know the stupid things that go through your head with all those hormones raging. I did not need to worry, they adored their little Sister, and they still do and are protective over her.
My daughter is going to be 12 next month, I have honestly enjoyed every second of being her Mum, even now with her Kevin the teenager impressions. This is why I am that bit more protective of her, why she is that extra bit special.
Regular readers would have read my post about the charity ActSma, the story of my friends Emma and Karl and the loss of their beautiful daughter Ally Cadence, you can find out more here, and find out the very hard work they do each and every day to help other families who are going through what they have been through. My husband and myself also attend their Butterfly Ball which is a very emotional but fun evening, I would recommend going but you need to book early as they sell out very quickly.
I was on twitter one night, and got talking to a lovely lady called Pippa, her story has really struck a cord with me. She is going through that ache I felt all those days, weeks, months and years. She has been through so much and it breaks my heart to that she has suffered so much as well. You can read her story here.
As you will see everyone has different experiences, losses at different times. We are all different. I hope this post as helped at least one person realise they are not alone, and that there can be a very happy ending.
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