The ups and downs of living with a teen

My Story – Babyloss Awareness Week

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Babyloss Awareness Week 9th – 15th October 2015

This is my story on my struggle to become a Mum and maybe it will explain just why my Daughter is so special and precious to me.  I have never really spoken fully about everything before.

In 1999, I met my now husband, he had 2 boys, I had none.  I took on the role of StepMum and cared for them and loved them as my own.  I was 32 and I had never really thought about having children of my own.

In January 2000, I had a miscarriage, I went to the Dr who confirmed it was and told me to rest up.  I rang my Boss at work who told me it was just a heavy period and was quite nasty.  I had not been trying and this was a total shock. So to find out in the same sentence that you are/were pregnant and now losing it was a bit of a shock.  I took the rest of the week of work, but this now got me wanting a baby. So we agreed to try and see what happens.

We got on with life and I would fall pregnant and lose the baby, each time it taking a bit more of me with it.  In 2001 my Dr passed us to a Specialist.  This man was very stern with no bedside manner whatsoever. My husband was tested and he was fine, which sunk me even deeper into depression and upset.  They put me on Clomid, and I fell pregnant with twins, which we did not know at the time.  This turned out to be one of the worst periods of my life.

I had pains and not feeling right so went to my Dr, bless him he had me in his room for ages, eventually saying it could be an ectopic pregnancy and he arranged for me to see my consultant, I was going out of my mind all the way there, telling my husband they are not removing my baby and I am not staying in hospital.  We get there and the nurse met us and was lovely, I was given a pregnancy test to do, now had I been in the right state of mind I would have reacted very differently.  My Consultant came up to me in the waiting room said in front of everyone it is nothing go home as if we had wasted his time.  Just as we were about to walk up the Nurse came up to him and said she is pregnant and his words were ‘She will probably lose it anyway’. I just walked out numb. In my mind I was pregnant and even my Consultant said I am going to lose it.

I did unfortunately, lose my baby and was up and down to see my Dr and Hospital appointments all the time, I had been pregnant with twins, and from the day I lost the first I started bleeding for 7 weeks constantly as I was losing the twin.  I had never been so ill in my life.  Weekly I would have to go the the pregnancy unit at the hospital to have bloods and scans, while sitting in a waiting room full of happy pregnant women.  This is the time I started sinking lower, all I wanted was to be a Mum, and even though I was losing my baby they offered me no help, I could not walk more than 100 yards without having to stop.  Eventually I lost the twin, and I started to build my life back up.

We moved house and,  we started to plan our wedding, something positive and happy to focus on, and in September 2002, we married. It was lovely to have something happy going on in our lives.  I had more miscarriages (I am not going to write about them all), my Dr eventually said enough is enough, he is going to refer me to a Consultant. By this time all I did was eat, sleep and breathe wanting to be pregnant, to be a Mum.  People would say you have the Boys, and yes I did on Weekends and Holidays, and I loved them with all my heart, but they were not mine, they had a Mum and they had their Dad. I saw the looks in my husbands eyes when he saw or spoke about them, I saw the untold love and the bond they had.  I wanted that, I wanted to feel my baby move inside me, I wanted to give birth and hold my newborn. I was both a physical and mental wreck.

In January 2003, I had another miscarriage and my Dr told me to give my body a chance to rest, and to wait to see what the Consultant said to me when my appointment came through.  In February with my appointment for the end of March.  I had listened to my Dr and for the first time in a long time, I stopped wanting to be pregnant and just agreed to wait.  I was a different person.  In March 2003, I was chatting at work and they said maybe you are pregnant, I told them not to be silly, but they insisted I do a test, and one girl went home and got a spare pregnancy test, I rang my husband and he said go and do it, so I did and I had the biggest, brightest in your face blue line you have ever seen.  Yep I was pregnant.  This was a Thursday, I managed to get an appointment with my Dr that evening and he arranged to get me seen by my Consultant on the Monday.

I walked in to find George Clooney’s twin sitting there, he was lovely he said I had been through enough and if this pregnancy did not make it then he was going to do even more investigation and was positive we could get there, but we would take it week for week and I could call him anytime.  He got me through the first few weeks and beyond, told me if we get to 12 weeks that is amazing, if we get to 15 we are going all the way.  I had a rough pregnancy 24/7 sickness, getting Gestational Diabetes (got to have a scan 2 weekly with this) and having to inject myself 3 times a day with insulin.  I remember sitting in work one afternoon in floods of tears on the phone to my Mum saying I can’t stop crying, this is what I wanted, I should be happy.  I did love my bump growing, feeling her move, she would always come to light when she heard her Dad’s voice, but one night she didn’t move, my husband was away and I told him the next day, he came home and I was scared I refused to believe anything was wrong, next day I went to work and finally let it out, they sent me straight to hospital, we waited what felt like ages, and just as they called my name she kicked, little monkey.  It was all worth it though.  My due date was 8th November, but because of the Diabetes they wanted to induce me, so 5th November we went into hospital and at one stage had my George Clooney twin by my side as stand in Dad, while my husband had popped home. I had a very long labour and after the calm of just me and my husband and the midwife on hand, it was all action stations they decided on an emergency c-section, so my husband was rushed off to get gowned up, and I was left alone while the theatre was prepared, during this time I got myself in a position and could not move, the midwife examined me and said she could see the head, so they decided to try for delivery there, I have never seen so many people in one room, I was beyond caring at the time, and holding my husbands hand on one side and the chief midwives hand on the other my baby was born and on the 7th November, I finally became a Mummy, that second my life changed forever. I held my newborn baby in my arms and just gazed at her. After all the heartache it was over I felt complete. I did want another baby but at this stage I was 38 and my husband said he couldn’t put me through it all again, I yearned for another and we agreed that if it happened then that is fine, we took precautions and when my daughter was 4 I suffered my last miscarriage.  That made number 9, this time it hit me differently, I still had all the emotions and it did get to me, but it made me realise that I am still a Mum and unfortunately that is something some women never get the chance to be.  My Mum was my rock through all of it, she suffered 5 miscarriages, so knew exactly what I was going through, she sat there for many an hour with me sobbing my heart out.  My husband is well known for being the practical one was also my rock, he was suffering too, and I was not me through those times I was just on a mission, I wanted to be a Mum.  I  do strongly believe because my head was in a different place and that I knew I was not to try to get pregnant for at least 3 months, and  believe it or not, I did give myself that break and did not think about it, I fell pregnant.  My husband and my Dad both think it was because I could not carry boys.

I then worried about what the boys would think, would they resent their little Sister, would they think she would replace them from their Dad, you know the stupid things that go through your head with all those hormones raging.  I did not need to worry, they adored their little Sister, and they still do and are protective over her.

My daughter is going to be 12 next month, I have honestly enjoyed every second of being her Mum, even now with her Kevin the teenager impressions.  This is why I am that bit more protective of her, why she is that extra bit special.

Regular readers would have read my post about the charity ActSma, the story of my friends Emma and Karl and the loss of their beautiful daughter Ally Cadence, you can find out more here, and find out the very hard work they do each and every day to help other families who are going through what they have been through. My husband and myself also attend their Butterfly Ball which is a very emotional but fun evening, I would recommend going but you need to book early as they sell out very quickly.

I was on twitter one night, and got talking to a lovely lady called Pippa, her story has really struck a cord with me. She is going through that ache I felt all those days, weeks, months and years.  She has been through so much and it breaks my heart to that she has suffered so much as well.  You can read her story here.

Also Jo at Momma Boss has recently been through a very hard time with the loss of her baby, you can read her story here.

Melanie at Cossins Music School wrote about her loss here

Aimee at MumAmie has written her heartbreaking story here

As you will see everyone has different experiences, losses at different times.  We are all different.  I hope this post as helped at least one person realise they are not alone, and that there can be a very happy ending.

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62 Comments

  1. There are doctors the world over who are heartless and insensitive it seems. Fortunately, there are many who are not. Terribly sorry for everything you went through until you had your little miracle

    1. There are some very heartless ones, but there are also the good ones. Thank you she is the most precious thing in the world to me x

  2. Aw Samantha I am so glad you managed to write this down and I am so glad you had a happy ending. Some medical staff can be cruel and heartless its just a job to them they don’t think about the feelings of the person suffering. I would like to see separate rooms and wards for people who have miscarriages it is the worst thing to sit amongst others who are pregnant and you desperately want to be. It is lovely that you found a consultant in the end who guided you through what had been a very traumatic and scary time. Thank you for sharing your story xxx

    1. Thank you, and thank you for sharing your story and allowing me to add to my post. I agree they should have separate areas, it is such an emotional time and it just rubs salt into the wounds x

  3. I’m so sorry to hear about all you went through. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must have been like to lose nine babies. I admire your strength so much and I know from experience that you must think about them every single day xx

    1. Thank you, I do think about them, you always wonder what they would be doing, what their personalities would be like x

    1. Oh hun I hope it hasn’t upset you, I know I have mentioned bits over the years, but never really told it all in one go. How are you feeling now. You know where I am if you want to talk x

  4. You’re so brave for sharing this. What a rollercoaster you’ve been on i’m do glad you finally found a sensitive and caring doctor and of course that you had your beautiful daughter. I can totally understand how precious she is to you.

    1. Thank you, it was a rollercoaster and a very hard time, my daughter is my world and I just wanted to write my story to let others know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel x

  5. I read this when you first published it but I really didn’t know what to say. Wow. You are an incredible women. I never even suspected what you had gone through. Nine miscarriages?! It must have been so hard for both of you. Your daughter is a true blessing to you and I am so happy you had your happy ending.

    Well done on a brilliant, personal post Samantha. You are incredible.

    1. Aww thank you, I am not incredible though. I admit I was a screwed up mess at the time and was very ill with the twins, but I did have my daughter who is my world x

    1. He was horrible, but when you are clinging on someone helping you, and are an emotional screwed up mess, you just dont think like you normally would. If I had been in the mind I am now I would have floored him, but it was one of the things that has been eating me up inside and I needed to voice it. Thank you x

    1. Thank you, it was a hard post to write, I have been writing it in my head for ages now, and rewrote it loads of times,I could have added so much more but I didn’t x

  6. I really have no words. I’m so sorry that you had a doctor who had such a despicable bedside manner, why people go into a profession that is supposed to help people when they have no people skills is beyond me.

  7. Sat here sobbing at your story. I am thankful to have 3 healthy children, but like you had a loss with an unknown pregnancy. That hit me hard, but the reason your story hits me so hard is that my baby sister has had 3 losses. One at 11 weeks, one at 20 weeks and one at 18 weeks which almost killed her this year. Her determination to have a child of her own is her main focus each and every single day. I hope and pray that she gets her rainbow baby one day. Thank you for sharing x

    1. I am so sorry for your sister, have they done tests I had various drugs and cameras, I was also put on low dose asprin which may have also helped with carrying my daughter, not sure if they do that now and I stopped part way through my pregnancy. I wouldn’t advise her to do that though without the Dr saying it is ok. I can fully understand how she is feeling, it does take over your life all you want is to be a Mummy have your own baby, feel it grow and kick and have the unconditional love. I really hope she gets her happy ending x

    1. Thank you, it was a pretty horrible time, but I wanted to tell my story to give a bit of hope to others who are now going through that period, that their can be a happy ending x

    1. You are right I don’t think you ever get over it, but you do learn to live with it, and if I ever hear someone who has gone through it I can genuinely relate and offer support. I shared my story to let others know not to give up hope, I know sadly some will never get their wish but others will in the end. Thank you x

  8. Such a brave and honest post and wow you have really been through a lot and I can see why your daughter is so precious to you – thanks so much for sharing this

    Laura x

  9. My heart bleeds for you; the pain and struggle that you went through to not only overcome adversity but also your own body is a sad tale. I can’t believe how insensitive your Doctor was he sounds like a complete twat and I am sorry that you had to go through all that pain without support from the medical team. Your husband however sounds like a true gem and I am pleased that your dreams were fulfilled with the birth of your daughter. It doesn’t make the struggles any better and there will always be a part of you that loves your babies no matter how little time you got to spend with them but I thank my lucky stars that you have your precious girl now x

    1. Thank you, if I had been in the right mind he would have only spoken to me like that once, I just wanted to maybe help others going through this now x

  10. This was heartbreaking to read and I really feel for you.
    I can only imagine how hard it was to write this post.
    Sending hugs for you and your little girl 🙂

    1. Thank you, I wanted to write my story as to get it all out for me personally, but also to try to help others who may be going through this right now, that there will hopefully be a light at the end of the tunnel and a very happy ending x

    1. Some do need to think before they speak, those words really haunt me, but I found an amazing Dr in the end who was lovely. Thank you x

  11. So glad you have your daughter and so sad you had 9 miscarriages. I can’t even imagine how you kept going … the pain must have been horrendous. Such a shame you didn’t have all the support you needed at the time; really hoping that doctors are much kinda today. Indeed, it is understanding how extra special your daughter is to you. Thanks for sharing your story, what an encouragement to keep going, for those who keep trying.

    1. Thank you, you keep going because you have an end goal you are desperate to be a Mum and nothing stops you. The last Dr I saw was lovely I couldn’t have asked for a better Dr. I do hope this gives a bit of encouragement to those going through this now, and a reach out if they wanted to talk x

  12. Oh what a heart wrenching post. You are so strong and inspiring. I count my lucky stars that I have four healthy children – although my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Kaz x

  13. Oh Sam 🙁
    Reading your story I don’t know how you got through so many losses. It breaks you every time and to live through it again and again I just can’t imagine how your heart must have felt. I’m so glad you finally got Caitlin <3
    It must have taken a lot of energy to type it all out and relive it all again. I hope it helped a little I know writing my story about Quinn helped get some emotions out that I probably shouldn't have been keeping inside.

    1. I was a complete mess I was mentally and physically exhausted, every second of the day I just wanted to be a mum. I know I have often over the years offered support etc but have never told my full story until now, so think it has come as a shock to a lot of you. I think you are amazing and have followed your journey with Quinn every step, I was heartbroken for you, but you have all been amazing. If you ever want to talk you know where I am x

    1. Thank you, it was something I wanted to do and something I had never done before, even friends who have known me after having my daughter, only knew bits they did not know the whole story. It is such a lonely time when going through a loss, I wanted to share my story to give a bit of hope or just to let people know they are not alone x

  14. So brave for sharing your story. I can’t believe how rude and insensitive that doctor was. I’m so sorry for all your loses. I’m so happy for you that you have a precious daughter.

    1. Thank you, it was an emotional time, and had I been in the right frame of mind I would have wiped the floor with him, but at the time I was not myself, that is one thing that does eat at me that I stood for it. I am so lucky to have my daughter she is so precious to me x

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