The ups and downs of living with a teen

Being a Stepmum

I saw this the other day and thought it quite apt.

 

 

When I met my now husband, I did not have children, we had both been in long term relationships, and he had two boys.  One of the first things he said to me not long after we had got together was, I have two kids, they come first and if you don’t like it, then we can’t be together.  That just made me love him even more.  It showed that he was an amazing Dad who loved his kids and put them first no matter what.

I remember the first day I met my eldest stepson, he decided to let them meet me separately.  I was petrified, I have no idea why, the day went really well, he even preferred to come to me and ask for a drink or something, rather than his Dad, that night I was relieved, then I met the youngest one,  he was only little and so cheeky I felt at ease straight away.

After a while, we decided to take the next step and move in together, this meant that I had to become a proper stepmum.  It was tough at times, I was not their mum but had to act like a parent figure, I never wanted to replace their mum, but I fell in love with them and treated them as my own.  As time went on, we fell into a routine, I would look after the boys, while my husband was at work, I would tell them off if naughty, we would have fun, play games do everything parents did. It always seemed quiet when they went home.

The boys always knew I was there for them, knew I loved them, knew I was firm but fair in telling them off, and that they could talk to me about anything. Sometimes, they would say please don’t tell Dad, obviously I would without them knowing.

After a few years, I finally fell pregnant with our Daughter, then I worried, would they hate her thinking they wouldn’t be wanted anymore, would they think she had replaced them, of course, this was not the case and they loved her and she loved her big brothers.

Being a step-parent is harder at times than being a full parent, but I feel so lucky to be the ‘wicked’ stepmum to my boys, they are now 20 and 17 and we couldn’t be any prouder of them if we tried.

So, to all you step-parents out there, I hope you feel the same about your stepchildren as I do about mine. I went in at the deep end but it was worth it.

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56 Comments

  1. Being a step parent must be really difficult. I found it hard becoming a step sister, let alone parent. How old were the boys when you met them (just curious).

    Brilliantly written post again.

    1. Being a step parent is in some ways totally different to be a parent, but also very similar, the eldest was 4 the youngest 1, when I met them, hard to believe they are grown up now x

  2. Very interesting read. I am a stepson and have been since the age of eight (with a stepfather). I always find in intriguing that stepmothers are much more candid and willing to speak publicly about their step relationships. Stepfathers and sons don’t do this and it’s a shame. Now I am a father I can but imagine what it’s like being a step parent. Must be very difficult indeed at times, although it is frequently difficult for the child also (seen on the UK Bloggers shard thread, btw).

    1. Thank you for your comments. When the boys came into my life I had no children so it was a blank canvass for me really, they had a mum but also I had to play a mum role when they were with us. We had our tough times, but they never threw the you are not my mum card at me, and if they had a problem it was always me they came to first. Being a step parent is tough, but you also get so many rewards, just like you do with being a parent. They have both made me so proud and I now joke with them that I am the ‘wicked’ stepmum they laugh but say I was never that.

    1. It is hard, but maybe starting off with no children of my own, meant I was able to start our relationship blind so to speak x

  3. Really enjoyed reading this. I’ve read so many negative step parent stories that it’s nice to read a positive one.

  4. Thanks for sharing your story, I have two step parents and I think of them as my parents and I am sure that they feel the same way you do about your boys!

  5. I know we use step-parent to denote the relationship, but in the end you are a parent, as you say, all the joys, ups and down just like they were your own. I wonder how it compare to adoption, both from the parent and the child.

    1. I joke with the boys now that I am their ‘wicked’ stepmum but it is all in fun. I do think being a step parent differs from being adoptive parents.

  6. A brilliant read and a fantastic insight to being a step parent I have 5 children 3 by my first marriage and we all get brilliantly love your blog thanks for linking to the Binkylinky x

  7. Beautiful post, I am also a stepmom and have been for 9 yrs now. I have found it to be a harder job than being a mom to my son. I love my stepson son equally and treat him the same as my own. However in my cause his actually mom has done nothing but make our relationship difficult no matter how hard I try. She continually has told him that I hate him and don’t love him, so no matter how many times I tell him that is far from the truth there has been continued doubt. It’s so frustrating that his mom has caused this untrue contention. I’m so glad to hear you have such a great relationship with your stepkids. Thank you for sharing. #momsterslink

  8. I’m a step-mum so can really relate to this. At first is was very tough. I was 20 years old and didn’t have any experience of being around children, when I met my husbands three children I was so nervous. It took a good number of years for us all to be 100% comfortable around each other. We all get on well now though, although have our moments as all families do! Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky

    1. I was older but had no children of my own, I was scared stiff at meeting the boys, which is why my husband did it separately did the elder one first and then the younger one. I needn’t have worried we hit it off straight away, I was just Daddy’s friend to start with though and they accepted it no problems when we moved in together. Glad you get on well now after a shaky start. It is tough for everyone involved

  9. Being a step mum is hard, much harder than others realise. I have a step soon whose 10 and unfortunately his mother isn’t exactly the mature type so she’s always telling him nasty things about me which hasn’t been easy bit luckily he’s starting to know right from wrong and to know me himself. Though it’s put a wall between us, in hoping we can start building our own relationship now. #anythinggoes

    1. It is a hard job being a step parent, but it is rewarding, and believe me I know what the mums are like which does make things extremely hard. I am glad you are starting to finally get to build your relationship with him. Thank you for your comments

  10. I loved this article. My parents both remarried and my step mother was the fairy tale wicked witch of the west but my step dad was an absolute blessing… after my father passed away, he continued to do things for me that were real dad duties and now, even as an adult, my step dad is always making sure things at my house are fixed and working well. It’s so lovely to see things from the other perspective.

    1. Thank you for your comments, it is lovely to hear things from the childrens side as well. What some adults do not realise is that the children haven’t asked to be in this position and it is hard for them, 2 homes and 2 different routines and rules etc.

  11. Thanks for linking up with #anythinggoes linky. I think it is fantastic when other men and woman can take on each others kids. I can’t imagine how hard it must be, as you wouldn’t know where you stand with discipline straight away. x

    1. Thank you, it is hard but as I was their main carer when he was at work there had to be rules set, never caused a problem, I was firm but fair, and when our daughter came along they saw she got the same treatment.

  12. I too was motherless, met my husband who had two boys, and then we had 3 together. Being a step parent is hard for me sometimes. Being a parent in general is just hard sometimes….period. Thanks for linking up with #momsterslink…hope to see you again tomorrow!

    1. I was scared stiff of meeting them, but it went really well, they were not the easiest kids when they got older and we had some pretty tough times with them, but we all came through and get on really well.

  13. I often think If I have another child would I be able to love them as much as I love Hayden – I’m pretty sure I would.. It’s just something that I’ve often thought about so to welcome another child into your life who you haven’t given birth or have that ‘special’ bond with must be hard BUT I’ve seen so many people do it as I’ve grown up and the same way you welcome another ‘birthed’ child into your family I feel it would be the same maybe even more of a special bond.
    Great post hun
    Charlotte x

    1. Thank you, as I had no children of my own probably made it easier in a way, and yes the ‘special’ bond is different, if you have read my story post for babyloss awareness week, you will see about how I wanted that special bond. But you do have a different bond. My youngest stepson is amazing and will talk things through with me and listen to what I have to say. I do love them as my own just with a different special bond

  14. I am so glad it has been so good for you. I was a step mum to my ex partners daughter for ten years, and I am afraid to say it was a living hell 🙁 I don’t want to go into specifics but I was quite damaged by the experience and used to dread her visits – as did my youngest daughter. 🙁 Kaz x

    1. It wasn’t all good, we had some very hard times, once I nearly collapsed from all the stress and upset, but there were reasons, the youngest will quite openly admit how bad he was. I am sorry your experience was awful, it is hardwork and not easyx

    1. I didn’t have any children when the boys came into my life, they were little they never asked for this, they adored their father and it was their home too. I admit it is different to having your own children but just as loving and rewarding, as well as hardwork and stressful at times

    1. I love being a Mum it is hard work but so rewarding on so many levels, and he is very protective not so much over the boys now as they are grown up, but he is with our Daughter even her brothers are protective over her x

    1. Thank you, it is just something you have to get on with really, the boys were young when I came into their lives which probably made it easier

  15. I’m sure if it came to it I could take somebodies children on, but I can imagine this is so difficult. I have two older sisters who are my dads, so my mum was their step-mum. I know how much she loves them but also know how much more difficult she had it with them.
    Sounds like you have great relationships!

    1. It is tough but they were young and they needed their dad, they were good kids but sure had some very hard times with them, they are both making us very proud now though x

  16. I don’t know how a step mum feels. But I know it’s not easy. That’s why I admire those step parents out there who love others’ kids as their own.

    1. They do become your kids in a way, you still have to care for them and provide for them the same as your own, it wasn’t always easy and the youngest especially admitted he was a nightmare at times, but you do get the rewards as well x

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